“Time will tell if I do manage to commit to this decision.”


I had written to you last year, after having had a miscarriage, to testify about the lifelong indecision that I have had regarding the toughest question of my life: whether I want kids or not.

Last year, I became pregnant and after a major shock, I finally decided not to abort, to accept the pregnancy, only to lose it at the beginning of the fourth month. I wanted to share how being undecided my whole life had actually helped me overcome the pain and mourning that followed the miscarriage.

Now I have another chapter to add to this story. This summer, I became pregnant again. And for the first time of my life, it was wanted, in that I knew when I was fertile and planned to have sex. Yet, I went into another intense, profound, complex emotional roller coaster.

And last week, I had an abortion. I am now trying to commit to a life without children. It is a complicated, difficult, challenging but also fascinating process.

I am realising how, even though I’ve been ambivalent my whole life, images of me as a mother, of me having a family, are part of the way I looked at the future, saw myself, partly built my identity. I am deconstructing it all now.

Time will tell if I do manage to commit to this decision. I have learned a lot more about what it means to be an ‘ambivalent person’ regarding the desire to have kids or not. I would be happy to share my story with the community, since other persons’ testimonials have helped me a lot in my own journey. Thank you for your work!