“I couldn’t sacrifice my own desire of living childfree.”

Ambre, 20, France

I was 17 and had just gotten into a relationship when I started saying I didn’t want kids.

At the time, I thought to myself that I would probably change my mind in the future, like most teenagers. Almost three years later, I had been living with that same boyfriend for a year when I realised that I wouldn’t change my mind. That it wasn’t “just because I’m young”.

I knew my boyfriend wanted kids in the future as it had come up several times in conversations. That’s what made me so sure I didn’t want to be a mother. That and the fact that pretty much everything I read about pregnancy, labour and parenthood drove me further and further away from any desire to take part in this adventure. I ended a great and serious relationship because while I couldn’t ask my partner to sacrifice his desire to become a father, I also couldn’t sacrifice my own desire of living childfree.

It feels strange at times because even if I always subconsciously knew I didn’t want kids, it only became a reality a few months ago that I would never be a mother. So after almost three years of relationship where I had resigned myself to become a mom, I still catch myself thinking “I’ll tell that story to my kids” or “I’ll teach that to my kids”, and it’s unsettling when I remember a second later that I’m now free from that. But it also strengthened my decision.

In 3-4 years, when I get a bit older have a better chance of finding a doctor that will accept it, I intend to get an operation to become sterile.