WE ARE CHILDFREE

Growing up, I barely gave the idea of having kids a thought. I had friends who knew they wanted to be mothers, whereas I never really thought about it. Then when I was in my mid 30s, the decision whether I should have children started to plague me.

‘Plague’ is a good description for what it felt like. I felt an urgency to decide and I read countless blogs and articles about motherhood, looking for positive stories and regretful ones, torturing myself with pros and cons lists.

I’ve always thought parents offered opposing insights, complaining about a lack of time, energy, and money, yet also being very pro-parenthood. I heard things like “it’s the best thing I’ve ever done” and “you’ll regret not having children.”

For years, I’ve been conflicted. I am happily married and it could’ve been so easy say “OK, I’ll have children then”, and I’d join the ranks of mothers and be part of the motherhood gang. But whilst I adore the cuddles from my nieces and nephew, I still haven’t wanted to commit to having my own. I just don’t want the lifestyle of being a parent.

Recently I’ve realised why I’ve found it so difficult to accept my decision to not have children. It’s because it’s made me feel like a failure. A lazy person who’s not trying hard enough at life.

This is obviously a deeper issue around self-esteem and self-acceptance. I’ve looked everywhere outside of myself for permission to not have kids but what I’ve needed to do all along is to give this permission to myself.