WE ARE CHILDFREE

I came from a large extended family. Raised Catholic, I was told I’d get married and want/have kids.

When I began babysitting, I was stunned with how much I loved kids but hated the responsibility. In my gut I felt “I don’t want this”. My mom once said to me as a teen. “I love you girls, but I probably shouldn’t have been a mom. If I had to do it over again, I’d have lived life differently. A job. Travel.”

I didn’t even think that was an option. So when I met a wonderful guy, and I immediately said “I’m not sure I want kids”. He was fine with it. He said his feelings were ambivalent.

After getting married, we moved away. Started careers. Questions of “when will you have kids?” started. We said probably never. The “you will change your mind” crowd started.

Then I developed severe asthma. Meds were intense. It was at that point my husband said, “I don’t ever want you to think about kids. The toll on you, us and a kid inheriting it – it’s not worth it. I want you well. I love our life.”

So ironically, getting sick made the decision seem OK. Because for a long time I felt like there was something wrong with me. I didn’t have that yearning. It took me a long time to give myself permission to be ok with my own aspirations.

39 years of marriage, and it was the best decision for us. But the pressure, judgement, and unsolicited comments over the years were intense, rude and none of people’s business. Ironically, long time friends say “you guys are the happiest people we know”.