“I was old enough to decide to be a mom but not to decide I didn’t wanted to?”
“I wanted someone to love ME, and not the fictional children that i could have.”
I knew I didn’t want kids as soon as I was old enough to have one.
A long relationship broke up because of this. He came from a big family, and didn’t take me seriously. He thought I had some trauma but that it will change, that he will somehow “heal” me.
Sure I was young, early 20s, but I was decided. I had 2 IUD that failed, and I was so angry that I had to endure this pain when all I wanted was to get sterilised.
It made me so mad that my choice to not have kids was infantilized. I was old enough to decide to be a mom but not to decide I didn’t wanted to?
My ex became distant and started to look for someone else. I decided to break up – I couldn’t stay with someone I couldn’t trust anymore and who made me feel like I wasn’t enough. I wanted someone to love ME, and not the fictional children that i could have.
At 26 I met the wonderful man who is now my partner, and one of the things that brought us together was our common desire to be childfree. He got a vasectomy after we met, and I am now looking to get sterilisation too.
I always had aversion and disgust for pregnancy and birth (plus tokophobia). I want to feel my body free, to know that I will always be alone in it.
I should add that I have MS, ADHD and autism, so keeping my resources for myself allows me to simply survive.
Despite the bullshit I heard that I will never find a man to support me like that, I have! He doesn’t make me feel less of a woman for not having kids, but makes me feel seen, heard and loved for who I am.