“If I had kids I would have never have got out. The church would have used my kids to control me.”
“I am breaking that cycle on behalf of my grandmother and great-grandmother. It’s time one of us joyfully claimed our body for ourselves.”
I always wanted a life that was rich and deep and fulfilling. Growing up in a very religious family, I grew up with the idea that my life was not my own. I needed to dedicate my life to God and serve him. As a teenager I was groomed into a Christian group which was more coercive and controlling.
It has been a long journey to regain autonomy over my life and my body, especially as someone who is bisexual. For years I gave everything to be the perfect Christian by their standards, and I nailed it, except that I could never bring myself to have kids with my husband.
One of the ways I coped under the pressure was to develop an eating disorder. One of my biggest steps to freedom was giving myself permission to eat freely, to nourish and celebrate my body no matter how it looks. I gained a lot of weight, and of course the main question I got asked at church in hushed, excited whispers was ‘are you pregnant?!’ I had to disappoint them every time.
Eventually I broke under the pressure to conform and ran away, living in a tent and couch-surfing before finding a van to live in for a time. It was wild, but in all of the pain and chaos of that time I kept marching firmly towards freedom.
If I had kids I would have never have got out. My body knew it. Undoing indoctrination has taken all the courage I have – allowing my entire worldview to fall apart and sitting in the mess trying to rebuild something. It would have been too much to handle if I had children. The church would have used my kids to control me.
I am so thankful that something in me said a firm no. My life finally feels my own. I am training to be a counsellor and I have the honour of being a trustee at the Charity for Action on Spiritual Abuse, spending a day each week running the support service for survivors of spiritual abuse. I love to wild swim and climb and folk dance, using my body in joyful and playful ways. I spend a lot of time with my god-daughter and love it. My life feels rich and free. None of this would have been possible if I had kids.
Generations of women in my family have lived under the burden of patriarchal religious expectations, even though they were ambitious and bright and wanted more for their lives. I am breaking that cycle on behalf of my grandmother and great-grandmother. It’s time one of us joyfully claimed our body for ourselves.