“It takes daily courage and strength to focus on what is right for me and not resign myself to the path that I was on.”
“In the end, it's not fair to my partner to not be true to myself.”
I got to the age of 31 before I realized I could opt out of motherhood.
I started having anxiety every time someone announced a pregnancy. I think this was because the step of having kids was becoming a “here and now” kind of thing, rather than the “one day in the future” thing it had been all my life. It was a box I was meant to be checking.
It seems unbelievable that I went most of my life thinking I would have children, and I’m working on not feeling ashamed for this. I blame pronatalism and how it conditions girls and women, and growing up in Christian circles. I also didn’t realize I’m bisexual until last year, so in many ways I’m still blooming as a person and learning who I am.
My partner and I thought we were aligned on having kids. We’ve been together for over 6 years. I’m the one who changed my mind, and it fills me with such shame and guilt. I might be the reason we split up.
The truth is that a lot of the time I wish I wanted kids. I would fit into the norm and my relationship wouldn’t be at risk. I wouldn’t have to explain myself to people. Some label the childfree choice as selfish and shallow; for me, it takes daily courage and strength to focus on what is right for me and not resign myself to the path that I was on until so recently.
In the end, it’s not fair to my partner to not be true to myself. To enter parenthood simply to stay with him wouldn’t be fair to anyone involved. He deserves someone who is living authentically – whether that is me, or someone else.
There are more and more days where I feel excitement when considering the childfree life ahead of me, but it is often tainted by the pain of what I might lose. I hope my partner and I can find common ground and stay together, but I don’t know what the future holds.
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