“I’d rather live a lonely life than give up who I am and how I feel.”
I think the first time I realised I don’t want kids was in my early 20s. I had a boyfriend at the time and one evening we had a “small accident” and had to go to get one of those 72hr after pills to avoid pregnancy. Then and there I knew I never wanted kids.
Ever since I am called selfish and my decision is questioned all the time. Like I cannot decide for myself, I don’t even know what is good for me, I’m a bad woman / girlfriend if I don’t want kids, I don’t have a kind heart, or I’m simply a career driven ‘bitch’.
It is easier where I live now (Berlin) but in relationships I keep seeing that men who don’t want children also don’t want anything serious nor a commitment and, while I wish to have a partner to share my life with, at the age of 37 I’m slowly giving up this hope. As if women are doomed and punished in our society if they don’t want to follow the rules.
I just never had this in me. I really have fun sometimes with friend’s kids but I couldn’t imagine being a mother, it’s just not for me. Not to mention that my endometriosis probably makes it impossible for me, but this was more a relief than a loss for me. Yet sometimes people think I’m a cold person who hates kids.
I just really enjoy my life, having time for my friends, sports, my dog – I love my job too. I enjoy the freedom, my peace. And coming from a broken and abusive family who could never afford anything, where I was never happy, I can finally treat myself to trips, to nice things – I have wonderful moments and I don’t want to give this up.
Yet it seems the price I pay is that I probably never going to find a man who tolerates this. Yet, I’d rather live a lonely life than give up who I am and how I feel. It’s incredibly hard to navigate life when all the milestones that society prescribes us are missing – no marriage, no kids, then you are nowhere in life.
But I’m very grateful for this community here as this makes me feel less alone and more hopeful at times. Maybe there is going to be a shift in society one day when people won’t be punished for their personal choices.
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