I always knew that I didn’t want children. As a child I was a real tomboy. One of my best friends was the opposite of me, a real mother-to-be. She loved dolls and always played mom. Me, I detested dolls. I just wanted to play Zorro.
Growing up I never thought about it. It wasn’t until I reached 22 and was in my first real relationship that it became an issue. I still didn’t feel any motherly instincts. Unless it was towards cats. I love cats!
So, I broke up with my boyfriend after two years. Same story at 29… I always was up front about it. Still, I think they hoped I would change my mind. My mother didn’t have any hopes. She knew that I wouldn’t give in. No grandkids for her…
But then I met my current partner at 33. He already had a daughter. My mom was super excited, me not so much. It’s still difficult for me. I am not really the caring type (for human children). Then again I don’t want my stepdaughter to feel unwanted. So I try my best, with the inevitable ups and downs. Sometimes I do wonder… Why did I fall in love with a dad?? For god’s sake, you don’t want children!
Most of my friends of course have children. So now it’s even more difficult to escape… Even when they are not around, they talk about them… Help! So for me, this period in life is by far the most difficult one. I never felt weird or different about not wanting children, but now I do. I often feel alone.
I have to find myself again. Where do I fit in? Or maybe that’s just what reaching 40 is all about?