Where to even start?
Maybe from the second I always have said dogs will be my children? Maybe from the point of asking myself why I even needed to say “will be my children”, as though it was assumed I should want them and if not, then I should follow up with a “well, I’ll have dogs instead, duh”?
Maybe from the moment that I realized caretaking is so engrained in what a woman’s identity is supposed to be and what is valued in our culture for the female species?
It’s so multi-layered and filled with context from that last 38 years of my life. I have been shifted from experiencing children in my relationships to knowing that just isn’t something I think is best for me.
And only recently have I begun owning my story as authentically me with nothing to explain. I’ve experienced rejection because of it, and I’ve done my share of rejecting. I’ve also experienced fear and feeling “less than” and “not good enough.”
But overall I’ve always known children were not my path. It’s just taken some time to wholly step into that identity that is fully me, without the disguises others would like me to wear.