I am currently facing a break-up because of my decision to be childfree.
I have so many emotions right now, it’s hard to begin.
I have always seen motherhood as a negative. Unfortunately, my s/o yearned to have kids. I foolishly believed that this is something that could be put off for a later conversation. I have always been very vocal in my lack of desire to have children.
It honestly scares me on so many levels. I have such a horrible self image and I’m afraid of my body changing if I got pregnant. On top of that, I selfishly can’t imagine revolving my life around a child. I’m only 25 and I want to experience life, and devote myself to my career. I also had such a horrible childhood that I couldn’t imagine having a child and it possibly facing the same traumas that I did.
I wanted to be with my s/o so badly, I had truly considered having children FOR him. He was honestly the only person I ever considered having one with.
But he couldn’t accept that maybe I could change my mind. He said it’s because he doesn’t want me to do that just for him and that he wants me to do it because I want to. But I honestly feel like he can’t even give me the chance to consider changing my mind.
I can’t help but feel so disposable and so rejected. It’s not even just by him. Society and women around me can’t accept that I don’t want children either.
It’s always ‘that will change’ or ‘but you would be such a great mom’.
I just feel like I’ve failed as a woman. I feel so low and alone.